Parenting in Community
"He who loves, sees."C.S. Lewis
The other day I came home and our sitter described how my son seemed particularly quiet after school. She spent the better part of the afternoon trying to coax the story out of him, eventually learning the details of a 8-year-old playground drama.
By the time we came home, his emotions had settled down and he wasn't interested in revisiting the topic. Still, we wanted to get in the mix, so that night we circled around the incident with our son again. We talked through his emotions and practical strategies about what he was experiencing.
The specifics of the story aren't significant, and I'm sure we'll have many opportunities to experience similar dramas, but what WAS monumentally important was the process. Most of what our son had to work through he did with another person who loves and cares for him. The experience reminded me about how critical it is to have other adults in my children's lives; other people who support how we're raising our kids.
Of course, I'm not saying my husband and I can dial back our attention or responsibility for child-rearing, but that there are tangible benefits to having other adults around. The most important to me are:
Kids aren't just hearing from their friends
The last thing I want is to have my kids feeling like their best resources are their friends. Sure, some of their friends will make wise choices, and I'll encourage those connections all day long, but the majority of my kids' peers will, biologically speaking, be operating without full use of their frontal lobes. I crave having another adult speaking truth into their lives!
Kids can tap into a unique perspective
Are you ready for this? We don't know it all. (I'll wait for you to pick yourself off the floor!) Sometimes having another adult around gives the kids the chance to learn something new and helpful. Maybe I'll learn something too!
Kids will listen to a different voice
Even when another adult says the SAME THING I do, chances are the outside perspective is more likely to be heard. I am biased for my kid and my kid knows that; having someone else tell him he's on the right track (or not) may be better received than hearing it from me.
Kids need a place for a calm response
I can't imagine a situation where I can disconnect my emotions from my kids and their decisions. As a result, I will forever struggle in offering them a well-measured, logical response. I'd love for them to have a wise OLDER person (see point #1 above!) who can react with a cool head and gently lead them to good decisions.
Do you have other adults who know your kids well? Are you intentionally building relationships that are broad enough to include other wise and caring friends who will last through the years?
Are you investing in a community, not just for yourself, but for the short people in your family?